I must have hardly taken a few steps, when I heard the same wheezy, “Excuse me?”

“Yes?” I noticed that my voice came out an octave higher, what was commonly called a squeak.

“We detect fear. Are you a-fear?”

“Afraid. The word is afraid,” my TA instincts took over, “And the answer is yes. I don’t talk to disembodied voices everyday, you know!!”

“No, no! You have gotten us all wrong. We are not dis-whatever-ied. We are humanoid voices!”

“Humanoid?”

This seemed somewhat familiar - thanks to all the sci-fi novels I’d devoured. And familiar territory always helps calm jangled nerves. I silently thanked all the Asimovs and Clarkes for being there.

“Yes. We possess shape-shifting capabilities. We look and sound very human. You will never recognise the difference.”

“Well, in that case, how about giving me a demonstration?”

“Demonstration? How is that?”

“No, you don’t have to appeal for a wicket. Just come out of the shadows and say a simple ‘Hi’ or whatever it is that you Humanoids say by way of civilized greeting.”

“Greeting?”

“Yeah, greeting! You know the random things you say when you meet someone for the first time??”

“Oh those! But we did greet you the first time, in the exact Earth custom of the humans, didn’t we?”

“You did??”

“Yes we did! We said ‘Excuse me!’ like all the other Earthlings!”

Earthlings? EARTHLINGS?? That meant…

“Listen! What do you mean by Earthlings? What planet are you from? And why don’t you show yourself, whoever or whatever you are??”

The entire exercise was getting a little frustrating. Also, the realization had dawned upon me, that the direction the entire exercise was taking, any attempts at channel-surfing the telly and that cup of hot coffee would have to wait another day. And that exactly, was what was frustrating about the entire exercise.

“Well, we can’t tell you where we are from. But we can show ourselves, provided you promise NOT to - how do you say it - free-caught?”

“FREAK OUT, you mean.” TA instincts again. “Yeah, I promise.”

Before we continue to the exciting part that follows, I must mention that this silly habit of mine, of going ahead and promising has landed me in trouble many a time. And I am not referring only to the more aesthetic samples of the female species. I mean the whole concept of saying the stupid phrase, in general.

Just as I did in the paragraph earlier to the explanation.

I wasn’t really ready for what I saw.

In my defense, I’d say, no one could have anticipated what I saw, let alone prepared for it.. And though I had been amply fore-warned, the scream that left my throat could easily have earned me one of the top 3 spots on the list of THE Ten Scariest Blood-Curdling Screams of All Time.
*****
To Be Concluded.
—–
No. Honest. I have had enough of not finishing stories. So I am gonna CONCLUDE this one with the next post.

Missed ya, all!

No, really. I did.

It happened like this.

I was on my way home after a long day’s work. And I was really looking forward to some R & R, mindless channel surfing on the telly coupled with a hot cup of coffee and jelly-filled cream biscuits…

Along the way I was cogitating - thinking, that is - about the problem I had left half-solved on my lab desk.

The solution to it was just around the proverbial corner. Except, the proverbial corner was not in proverbial sight, far as the proverbial eye could see.

Too many proverbial what-have-yous spoiling the proverbial whats-it-called.

Engrossed in my thoughts thus, I was traversing my daily route, almost robotically, when I heard a wheezy, “Excuse me?”

I stopped to see who it was that the voice addressed.

Oddly, there was no one around. That meant only one thing - I was the one being addressed. And if I was the only person in that place, then the voice that was addressing me must be devoid of a body to go with it.

Certain paranormal and supernatural entities immediately lent themselves to reason. However, the brain decided to do a little more of the Sherlock exercise before jumping to finalities.

The part of the city I had reached in my perambulations was what one would call partially deserted. Partially, because it was architecturally bestowed, but the architectural efforts had never seem a human complement.

As I stood there pondering about my next move, I heard the same wheezy voice, and the same words, “Excuse me?”

Thoroughly confused, I said the first words that came to my mind, “Yes? How may I help you?”

That is what a Teaching Assistant’s job does to you.

“Erm, thank you for your kind assistance. You see, we are slightly lost…”

A weird thought crossed my mind. Talking to voices was exactly like teaching in a classroom full of sleeping students. They are there, but not THERE.

“Oh, ok! Go straight down the road, take the second left and the first right at the traffic signal, you’ll reach the Train station. Hard to miss.”

“Thank you, that’s very kind of you, but that’s where we just came from.”

“Ooops sorry, kinda jumped the gun!” I said grinning away to no one in particular.

No one in particular.

No one in…

No one.

That’s when the thought actually hit me in its entirety.

“Hey, wait a minute! Who am I talking to?”

Silence.

“Hello? Are you there?”

Silence.

I could have sworn a voice just spoke to me and said that they were slightly lost.

THEY??!!

Beads of sweat were beginning to form on my forehead, as the gravity of the situation came crashing down on me.

Very slowly, I started to back out, throwing occasional glances all around, trying to ascertain if the voice-without-a-body was just that, or if it had other surprises in store, hidden away somewhere.

I must have hardly taken a few steps, when I heard the same wheezy, “Excuse me?”

To be continued…

*****

I know you hate those three words by now. But I LOVE them…

*Evil Grin*

Don’t reel them in. You are pretty close. The knobs in the title refers exactly to the knobs you are thinking of. Or at least the ones I presume you are thinking of.

On the occasion of World Aids day (December 1st, for the blank stares) WebChutney, (an Indian full service consultancy that delivers innovative, interactive marketing solutions) came up with a really innovative idea to spread HIV/AIDS awareness.

Difficult in conception, simple in execution. Go ahead, click the image and “Cap the knobs“.
My best in a few times that I attempted was 21 seconds. Do let me know how you fared.

Ah, did I mention it was probably NSFW - Not Safe For Work? Unless you like to argue about it being educational and all that…

Spread the word, is what I’d say. Every little bit helps and heck, this is info-tainment, right? Or something like that…

Among other news:

1. I have added a small sidebar widget called “Read These Yet?” to each post. What this snappy li’l widget does is display related entries calculated according to a certain algorithm. Thanks a ton to the developers Alex@w-a-s-a-b-i and Jonas Israelsson
   
2. This website will see a lot more of template changes. But don’t worry, most of it will happen, while you guys aren’t looking. So rest easy on that one.
3. I will also add a shoutbox soon. Am currently evaluating the possibilities available out there on the web.
4. If there’s anything else you guys think is missing on the site. do let me know, via the comments or by mailing me. I’ll see if I can scrounge it up.

Keep visiting, fellas. And, spread the word, if you can…

Those of you who have seen it, know what I am talking about. Those who haven’t, follow this link and read this.

Technorati Tags: Xoogler, Google, Dilbert

powered by performancing firefox

Here’s a collection of my favs:

This one seems to be A take on 37signals, what say, Blake?

Although 37 venture capital firms will invest in AOL following the announcement, the blogosphere will scoff that AOL is “only for people who know nothing about the Internet.” Rupert Murdoch will thus acquire the company immediately, then merge it with his other recent acquisition to create online powerhouse AOL Gore.

This had me ROTFLMAO…

Yahoo, acclerating its bid to dominate the social space, will announce that it is buying the actual societies of 32 cash-strapped governments. Citizens will be allowed to link their existing names to their Yahoo accounts.

Will they, won’t they?

A uncanny sense of humour combined with fiery sarcasm makes Blake’s post a must-read. Those of you who haven’t yet seen it, I have one word for you: Subscribe!

Sounds exaggerated, eh? Well, not if you visit Yahoo! Answers

Sample some of the questions asked by ‘Yahooligans’:

• Is this just like a big message board and not a search engine?

• what divides the earth into northern and southern hemispheres? what continet is brazil located on?

• What is the meaning of life?

• Do girls really play video games?

• of pepsi and coca-cola which is better?

If you think I am kidding, I urge you to go check it out.

I do agree that Yahoo! Answers is in a nascent stage and it needs to evolve (whatever that means) and that people using the service need to mature, etc. etc. Personallly, I think that’s a load of tosh.

I am particularly pissed off at the people who answer such stupid questions. Their only excuse is they get points for answering them and more points get you into better levels?

Points? Levels? WTF?

However, this one time, due to unforeseen circumstances, it happened. I reached the theatre hall barely before the third bell was to be rung. I searched for my seat. (The kind usher was happily chatting away about the pros and cons of the play. I didn’t have the heart to interrupt his conversation. Would you?) Finally after 30 long seconds I found it.

“Ummm, excuse me but you’re on my seat…”

A polite request to get someone out of your seat..

“Can’t be… Here’s my ticket…”

A polite answer to someone who’s faking his way into the theatre…

“Well, we have a confusion here. Two tickets with the same number… Ok, there are two options.. Either we go and complain to the authorities or you move in and let me sit. Whatever happens later, shall be taken care of later, wot say?”

He wasn’t looking at me when I said those words. The instant I competed them, he turned and said -

“No.”

That’s it? That’s all he had to say? Well I couldn’t stand there arguing with him. The show was about to start. I decided to move into the other seat and pushed my way in. I did not forget to give him the you-have-landed-in-a-soup-buddy glare which he reciprocated with the ok-so-sue-me glare.

Before I could turn the war of glare into a war of words (my favorite) the lights began to dim, indicating that the play was about to start. I decided to shut up and watch the play. I had heard that the start of the play was a treat for the eyes.

So I started to concentrate when suddenly I heard a whirring sound. I tried to ignore it but the sound persisited. Finally I turned to see my neighbor holding his cellphone in his hand looking at it buzz intently as if it was something of a pleasure toy… Irritated I chided him saying -

“Why don’t you attend the goddamn call?”

“It’s my wife. She’s expecting me back home any moment now. If I answer it she’ll know I amn gonna be late. If I cancel it, she’ll think I’m partying. The only option is to let it ring so she’ll think I am driving.”

“Ok, Ok, but can’t you atleast turn the noise down?”

“Duh… It’s on vibrate mode, dumbo!”

“Duh… I know, but padding it between your palms might help”

Suddenly there was this flash of light, and the stage was filled with light. The characters had begun to appear one by one and the scenes had started. DAMN!!! I missed it…

“Shit…”

“What happened?” he asked the question as coolly as you would ask ‘What time is it?’

“You made me miss the beginning… I waited for so many days to watch this play. Thanks to you, now I’ll have to come again, which is next to impossible…”

“As I sat there muttering under my breath trying to concentrate on the play, he leaned over and said. Don’t worry think about it this way, you are actually helping the producers earn some money.”

“Yeah! And in the process losing mine, you… you… moron”

I settled for moron. I wanted to say something better but, I settled for moron. He turned to me coolly and said -

“Well, that’s your lookout.”

“Sshhhh!! Quiet, we are trying to watch the play, Why don’t you boys go out and fight?”

Boys? The damned old hag had the nerve to call me a boy? Wait till the intermission is announced. We’ll see who’s a boy…

I continued to watch the play of colours on the stage. The play and its actors were in full swing. Everyone was enacting his part beautifully. It was the moment of truth, the moment when the hero is about to discover that the murderer is none other that the selfless uncle, whom he doted upon since his birth, the grand finale o emotions, the touching saga complete, the most emotional scene when suddenly I …

“You actually dared to bring a packet of wafers inside a theatre hall?”

“Ummm, Yes, I guess, as you can plainly see…”

“Do you even have a slight idea as to how irritating that is?”

“Uhhhhh, no.”

“Is this your first time in the theatre?”

“Yes, I guess?”

“Do you understand English? Didn’t you read the prohibition notice?”

“No, what was it about?”

I was highly irritated by now, add to that his intellectual inferiority was beginning to grate my nerves… I could blow up anytime. Suddenly I was reminded of a scene on a local channel where they showed irritated cinema hall patrons on candid camera. Then I realised this was a shoot for maybe another candid camera sequence.

So I decided that I would be the coolest customer this guy had ever encountered. I snatched the packet of wafers from him and started munching on them as loudly as I could. I offered some to him as well. I could distinguish the horror on his face and another emotion which I classified as “pure, unadulterated terror.”

His mouth open in awe, he looked a very funny sight. I bade him shut his mouth while munching as loudly as my jaws permitted. Sometime later even they began to ache. So I searched around and sure enough I found a bottled soft-drink. I picked it up and slurped it as noisily as I can. And soon enough before, I could finish the wafers and the soft drink, the first act folded. (I think I actually saw one of the actors on stage glaring at me when the curtains were falling.) The intermission was announced.

He yanked me out of my seat and nearly dragged me into the lobby. I was smiling all the way to other patrons who were throwing disgusted looks at me. When we reached the lobby he screamed,

“What the f**k do you think you are doing??”

“Giving you a helping hand!! Damn this one would make a nice reel for primetime, eh? I mean, the sound of me munching wafers was so rhythmic and the slurping was a once-in-a-millenium event, eh?”

“Prime-time? Helping hand? Do you even realise, you almost killed the show? This ain’t no stupid candid-camera sequence, you ass****.”

It was my turn to stare at him with my mouth agape, wafers falling…

“You mean…. this wasn’t… it was… I mean…. I didn’t… This…. I…. you…. No hidden camera?”

“NO!!!!”

“Damn!! Why were you doing the stupid things then??”

“That was so that my actors could get a feel of bad, worse and worst audiences. Needless to say, you have excelled yourself at that. You have been the most perfect jerk I could have ever enacted.”

“You? Enacted? You mean you are an actor with the troupe?”

“Actually,” he said rather sheepishly, “I am the director of the play. I had decided without letting them know that I would make tem suffer the worst audience in this play. I had planned on some minor ‘events’. But I guess, you took the cake!!”

“And the wafers…” I blurted…

Wot say?

“Life is not always what it seems to be - sometimes even we have to play the role of an audience to be recognised as heroes”
- Born Stinger.

I knew that statement was gonna lead us into uncharted territory. I alksoknew that I had to think up of something really fast… Or I would have to face the barrage of questions again…

“Oh? Uncle I just remembered! What happened to that stamp collection of yours? You never showed me your latest additions!”

BINGO!! Ask an uncle about his hobby or his passion and he himself deviates from the topic, Life lesson #117823!!

“Ohh!Yeah!! Good thing you remembered! Infact I was gonna askyou tobring some new first-day covers for me, myself…”

From the frying pan into the fire. Me and my big mouth.

“You can’t escape this topic that easily, Stinger. You have been evading it for alooong time.The time has come for you to tell us the truth.” - My aunt. The ever observant woman.

“Alright, Alright. I give up. Look I met a girl today at the bus stop while I was waiting for a bus. I think I have kinda fallen for her.I thought Nisha was the same girl that I saw at the bus stop and that is the reason and purpose of my yelling…”

I looked up to see them gaping with their mouths opened.

“See? I knew you wouldn’t believe me! Go ahead, tell me I am a very filmy person, etc, etc…”

At this point, it seemed to me that I had committed a big, no the BIGGEST blunder of my life… Be cause when I looked up again,I saw my Uncle and Aunt laughing away like crazy. They laughed so hard that they clutched their stomachs. I couldn’t understand what was happening.

“Hey! Wha…? Why are you guys laughing? Is this what I get for telling you guys the truth? I mean, I trusted you guys and revealed my secret, my innermost feelings… And this is how you guys answer it? By making fun of me? By laughing on my faces? All right,fine!! I am leaving…”

“Nooo…. No.. Wait son… don’t take us in the wrong sense… We didn’t mean to ridicule you or your feeling in any way. It’s just that… this is all very funny. Ok here’s the fact….”

They both looked at each other before finally looking at me. Probably it was one of those do-we-tell-this-clown-the-truth-or-do-we-let-him-wallop-in-grief-looks. Anyways they turned to me and said -

“The truth is, the person you met at the bus-stop was not Nisha, but it was our daughter, ________.”

I stared at them in amazement, not wanting to believe them but actually realising that I did believe them!! And as a matter of fact it did explain why I smelt the floral perfume time and again as I walked along their corridor. Dammit!! It had to be her room!!

As I sat there absolutely shocked, contemplating the effects of this… well..disastrous outing of mine, my aunt spoke up…

“She told us about you. You entered only as we just replaced the phone on the hook. Only we had no I dea it would or even could, be you. I mean, who would have imagined - you of all people!! No, that doesn’t mean that you are not trustworthy…”

“And even if you were, you have proved otherwise!!” - my uncle.

“So what does that mean? You finally have my marriage plans chalked up, don’t you? See Aunt, I told you, you would have your way in these matters!!”

What happened afterwards is a different story, maybe I’ll tell that some other time. But, for now, I think it’s enough if I told you that the marriage never happened. I later found out that my uncle’s daughter was already engaged to someone whom she believed she loved. Heck, It always happens with me. Well, anyway, I have a positive view point to it. I am still single and enjoying!!!

Wot say??

“Not all people are fools, some stay bachelors…”
–Source Unknown.

Disclaimer: The story narrated above is as told to me by a friend of mine who happened to meet me on his way to Venus from Pluto. All characters are of his narrative and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental. Born Stinger holds explicit copyright to this material and any reproduction of this work without prior permission of the author is illegeal and shall be taken as a moral offence and a promising step to progressive insaity. Filchers of this work, Beware!! If you have any ounce of sanity left, STAY AWAY!!!

I am in a place which can be best described by the word SLOW. Yes, slow. I mean life is so slow that you could sleep at a signal and wake up to find it still says STOP!! Although that may just be because you might have slept through an entire signal round with the horns blaring all about you…

Anyways, there I was in this SLOW city taking a sneak peek at the ‘facilities’ offered by this beautiful place… And I remembered I had a broken zipper to attend to - a broken zipper of my leather waist pouch (Dirty minds KEEP OUT!!!!). So I went searching around for a good cobbler - you know, the cheap skate trick. Get your work done in as little money with as much efficiency. Avoid the big names and hang out with the small ones.

It’s good the city that I stay in is cool this time of the year with relatively less humidity. I was happily warming up my eyes watching the real beauty of nature when I chanced upon a cobbler. Oh the untold joys of reaching your goal!! I went up to him…

“Do you repair broken zippers?”

“Only if you remove your pants… I can’t repair broken zippers while they are on you.”

“Very funny, except I was talking about the zipper of my leather waist pouch”

“In any case, you’ll have to remove that too. I can’t work on it while its hanging at yor waist.”

So he had to have the last word… I decided not to let it continue further and dropped the topic. I removed the waist pouch and handed it over to him. He took it and analyzed it from top to bottom… took a look at the zipper and moved it up and down a couple of times.

“It has slipped its tracks, you need to put in a new one.” I offered him a helping hand.

“I know and that’s exactly what I am gonna do. Thank you for your kind assistance.”

The way he thanked me certainly did not feel like he was thankful to me or at least that’s what I thought. Oh, and by the way, did I mention he gave me a terrific glare, the one that says Keep-out-or-I-will-unleash-the-forces-of-fury-upon-you. Ooooooooh, I was soooo scared….

Meanwhile our hero, the cobbler was busy snipping out a leather piece. and carefully sizing it so as to fit - wait a minute, a leather piece?

“Hey, I just want to repair a broken zipper….”

Another glare. He continues sizing the piece according to his wishes and when he feels he’s achieved the perfection of Michaelangelo, he stops.

“Oh so you’re repairing a shoe. Look is it that urgent? I mean, I am in a hurry and I gotta get back to my room. Can’t you do it a little faster?”

A sideways glare. He starts to wax the string with the ball of wax he fishes out from his soiled bag.

“Are you listening?”

No reply. He goes on stiching the leather on the shoe and finishes the job. I look at my watch. Half an hour has passed and I am left standing with only my expectations for company. He finally takes my waist pouch and a clipper.

He clips the zip locker out of place and fishes out another one from his soiled bag. (That bag seems to contain a lot of things, I begin to wonder. Or is it my paranoia working overtime?) He cuts of a few stiches from the end and tries to insert the new zip locker. With a little bit of effort, he finally manages to insert it in both the tracks. He pushes back the zip and zips it up. He tries it a couple more times and when he’s finally satisfied he fishes out a small angular u-shaped thing. (Actually it looks more like a square bracket laid horizontal.) He pushes it, transversing the two tracks and with a pincher locks it inside. He pushes the zip back to see how far it goes. The zip locks at the u-shaped lock thing and he looks contented. He returns the waist pouch and looks at me.

All this has taken a little more than 2 minutes. (I swear. I counted the time by the watch!!)

I am dumbstruck. I search for words.

“That was so fast and so easy. You wasted a precious 30 minutes of my life.”

“No. I taught you how to be patient for thirty minutes when you know that the actual job is not gonna take more than two. That will be five rupees.”

I give him the money and he returns back to his work.

I wonder is the city slow or is it making a pretence of it? I mean if people here are so efficient, why don’t they work that way? Why make a pretence of inefficiency, when you know that at your best, you can beat the best minds at work? Why do we always think that the work done by the others is the best? Why is the grass always greener at the other side? Why is it that the best offers always come when you’ve already bought the product? WHY?

And why is this bus so f**king late??

“People don’t go there anymore. It’s too crowded.”
-Yogi Bera

Two cities, that are quite close and yet far enough to allow travel, that too, only for so long as to study… you know what - G.O.D.

I am a frequent traveller. I like to travel, Given a chance between the devil’s abode and the deep sea I’d choose to go with the devil and visit the city of his dreams… I’m sure these cities would figure quite high on his list…

I am at the window seat - pondering over the possible effects of catching a quick shut-eye and watching the scenic beauty of the nature outside the window. I decide to catch a shut-eye…

Passenger X: Excuse me, Do we have a halt at ______?

Me: (half asleep) Huh? Yeah….NO….I mean…zzzzzzzz

Not to be left unanswered and taking my actions as a personal insult, Passenger X retaliates -

Passenger X: Excuse me, would you mind answering my question?

Me: (No answer)

PX: You know I am new to this place…..

Me: (muttering in my sleep) Oh yeah? So am I… zzzzzzz…

PX: Oh that’s great!! Where are you putting up? I am staying at my aunt’s place, She’s alone you know, My uncle’s dead… I am gonna give her company…

ME: Oh really, My condolences to the poor spirit… May her soul pest in reace… I mean Rest in Peace…

PX: (yells, almost or maybe he does) What do you mean?

Me; (minor reaction, courtesy the sleeping beauty’s genes) But you just said your aunt’s gone and your uncle’s dead too… You were gonna leave her company.

PX: Are you f^*&^ing mad? I said she was ALONE not GONE. I was gonna GIVE and not LEAVE her company…

Me: (still trying) Oh I thought…zzzzzzzzz

PX: Never mind doesn’t make a difference really… Who cares!! I mean I DO but why should you care,,, (blank out) world (blank out) humanity (blank out) sleep (blank out) sloth (blank out) sins(blank out) punished (blank out) Devil (long blank out)

Me: Huh? What? Where?… Where are we?

PX: (looking exasperated) You know what I’ve had it with you. That I am an introvert by nature doesn’t necessarily mean that you can treat me as you like. You must learn to respect (blank out) human (blank out) accept (blank out) answer (blank out) repent (blank out) values (another long blank out).

Me: (yawning) Sorry what were you saying. I didn’t quite catch your words… zzzzzzzz

PX: I don’t believe this!! Here I am trying to be friendly with this guy and he insists on sleeping!! Look at the nerve of this guy!! I mean have you ever seen a person so egoistic … I have never (blank out) shit… (blank out) sleeps (blank out) manners (blank out). Who would dare to do this to a fellow passenger (blank out) duty (blank out) help (blank out) need (a very very long blank out)

Me: (yawning, to PX) Good morning!! What time is it?

PX: Huh? Yes…. NO… I mean zzzzzzzzz

“Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.”
- Frank Lebowitz